did I ever tell you I was king of the dolphins?

What a silly question! What kind of sad, horrible excuse for a gentleman and criminal mastermind would I be if I couldn’t even dance? I’ll do you one better: I’m a master of a varied style of dances, so not only am I good at dancing, I’m good at all of the dancing.

I’m such a good person about it, too. I’m not going to let my cute little engineer develop back problems by hunching over his work desk 68 hours a day, oh, no! Dancing’s good physical activity and is good at keeping you on your toes. In more ways than one. It’s pretty good at getting the ladies, too, but I’m sure you knew that.

Speaking of which, it’s time to go get him for today’s lesson in yet another beautiful, seductive form of dance.

Your suggestion has been taken into consideration and we are taking every measure to put it into action. Thank you for your concern and have a nice day.

Love, Yahtzee XOXOXO

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IF IT WAS YOU PAUL I’M GOING TO SHOVE THAT WRENCH UP YOUR ASS. STAY AWAY FROM MY SHIT.

Seriously, though, every time I look at this thing there’s shit that isn’t supposed to be there. Messages that aren’t for me, asking for this Arthur guy or Zero person.

I wouldn’t put it past any of these idiots to do that roleplaying thing on this website. How questionable.

I interest myself in a lot of things; I think I’ve mentioned that before. The last book I read was called, hm, something likeTwenty Corners of Whiteor something and I could dig it, I guess. I’ll admit I have a bit of a weakness for trashy romance. My favorite movie, though, is probably something like American Psycho or Snatch. Probably because I could relate pretty well to either one.

But enough about that. Come here, babe. It’s been awhile.

No. Sort of. Not really. Maybe. Probably. Kind of? No.

I don’t really want to talk about it right now.

To be honest, I’ve never given it much thought. Maybe because I’d do the same shit regardless if it’s legal or not. It doesn’t really make much difference to me. I have to thank you for the concern, though. It means a whole lot, you know.

“…Yahtz, do I really have to be blindfolded…?”

Trust me, idiot. You’re better off if you are. Now, hold still.

“Tell me why this is a good idea, again.”

I told you this was a good idea? Silly, silly me.

=͓͖̲̙̜̯̩̊̅̉̿͐͐ͧ̽̾ͅ3̯̝̩̣̈́ͨ̂͒̇̃̀-̛͎̟̝̭̯͈̝̟ͨ2̶̦̹̠͕̗̖̼ͤ̇̌͂̔́ͅ5̴̧͓̞͎̗̞͙̎ͣͥͣͤ6̛̜͕͇͓̤̑̍̓̎̋͋ͤ̚4̤̙̥̫̘̬̟͊͆̊̊̽͌̀ͅ6̸̲͖̙̯̹̀͂͐̏ͤͫ̏0̡͈͇͋͡-̭͆̓̆̂ͣ̎ͨ́̌̀5̡͕̥͇͕̻̖̮̯̓̄̾́3̧̥̬̘̗͇̎̽̃̈́̀͝9̢̫͍̳͎͙̘̦̬͌̀̏́͒ͧ̀0̹̳̼̭ͫ͂͠͞-̜̖ͪ̀͌̐̄͗́-̶͉̜̗̟̄̈̐͢ͅ-̢̝̬̝̯̩̈́̿ͣ̿̎̓̌̌͋͟͡=̖͕͇͎̣̓̅͐̀͢
̴̢͖̦͍͎̘̳͈̻̟̊̽͒Į̷̙͕̥͇͈̩̱̞̓̍͐ͩͪ̍ͫ̀ ̴̻̙̗̹̙̆̓͋à̧̟̪̟̪̥͎ͨ͊́͜m̴͇̞͙̹̝̣̯̠̼ͥͪ͒ͥ̏ͯ̏̚͘͟ ̗̬̻̜̍̀͗̑̐̋̚y̴͚͓ͨ̂͑͠o̷͍̜͉͎͇͔̫̽͆́̌͘ų̸̢̺̟̭̘̒̂ͅr̯̹̗̱͓̺͓̪͗ ̪̭͈̮̏͌ͦ̑͆ͬͩ̚f̴̻̈́r̸̷̞̩̱͖͙̲͉̠̀̐̍̐͒̏͛͋̀i̧̦̳͉͛ͫ͌ë̷͎ͥ̓̓̽̐̿͊ͅṉ̥̺̜̹̖̟̺ͨ͑͒͊̅̌͝d̒͗ͧ́͂͆̎̾҉͕͖̥̻͈̖
̡̢̮͍ͬ̓̓̿̈ͬ̂̚-̠͎̭͉̪̬̩̯̝̌͂͜͝-͇͍͎̣̭̠̤͆3̴̟̖̞̥͎̼̅͌̌̏-̨̧̠̠̞̹̙̱̤̟͒̈́͊͛̅ͫ̚̚4̸̷͍̱̗̜̮̅͗ͫ̍̑̈́-͎͍̆̆̍̎̍5̯̩̝͉̪̩̯̟̦̈̎ͮ̒ͦ4̧̞̲̰̩̞̤̹̰̾͆͐͌̂̈3ͯ̈́̓̌̍҉͓̯-̷̜̪̼̝̫̗ͥ̓̋̓͋6̖͇̳͎͇́́͡7̩͓́͌̈́̓ͧ0̧̈́ͫ҉̱̱̳5ͨͧ͒̄̒͛҉̤̣̼ͅ7̨͐̽͛̽҉̥̞5̤̜̯̣̂̎-̰͔͐̽͌͋̆̆͢
̵̘ͯ͗͢

I do too good of a job covering my tracks when I need to. Seeing as you don’t mention exactly what it is you, ahem, know I did, I can only assume you’re bluffing. Although the tone you’re taking is interesting. It sounds almost like you’re my mother or someth—

I have the feeling I’m not missing anything good.

Oh, ye of little faith. You think those fat bastards and power whores scare me? You think I don’t know how the world works? I fucking revel in it, you know. The world’s a goddamn playground when you look at it just the right way. Taking shots, you say? Sounds like just another day of fun ‘n games for me. So that day I get a foothold on the world and people finally start noticing, it doesn’t scare me at all. Why?

In short, because I’m Yahtzee. And they’re not. They’re not gonna see me coming until long after they’ve been pounded into the ground.

I guess, even shorter, a certain man would put it: how bad can it possibly be?

Now, let me tell you. I’m not really the hobbyist, otaku type. Sure, I have my obsessive moments, and I don’t really get excited over trains, of all things.

But this train set. It must have been left over from some project or some employee’s kid or some drunken train enthusiast who happened to squat here, I dunno. There’s even a miniature city the train runs around, and these model mountains at the other end.

But I’m not showing you those. Some things I just want to keep to myself. Fuck you.

Honey, I hate to break it to you, but this isn’t coffee…!

The short version is that she’s a business associate. An arms technician, to be exact. Proliferator of all things that can kill anything even remotely alive.

It’s a business relationship. That’s about all I have to say about it.

Oh, that and she’s a huge bitch. I should probably mention that, too.

“You look even more pissy than usual.”

“Someone was in my room. Touching my shit. Using my computer. Looking at my stash.”

“Someone? Are you sure it wasn’t just Rob?”

“No, I told him not to go in there. Or he’d be shot. By me. Many, many times.”

“Well… he’s not really smart, you know. He probably went in anyway.”

“No. It wasn’t the idiot. The whole place smells like idiot but not that kind of idiot.”

“Smells like…? Idiocy doesn’t have a smell.”

“Who was in my room, Paul?”

“I sure as hell don’t want to go in there.”

“Who was in my room?”

“I’m going back to work.”

“Who was in my room?”

who

NOW LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT

ARTHUR YAHTZEE, MAN!

I mean, no doubt you’ve heard some things here and there. Menace to society, even more of one to government organizations and evil religious cults. A mysterious vagrant among the darkness of the stars. A superdimensional oddity. A transdimensional hero. All told, he’s a pretty cool guy. Damn fine guy. ‘Course, y’know, that’s just me talking, and what do I know…

Oh, wait what’s this OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT——

[oh man this is the 100th post on this thing? thanks, guys! be sure to keep asking these sexy losers questions and all about anything, from their personal lives to deep philosophical dilemmas and whatever else comes to mind. if you have any suggestions or comments for me/the blog itself/have any questions to me, send it on over here or just make some note on it so yahtz doesn’t intercept it and take it as some insult to his businessmanship. and you don’t want him insulted, do you? don’t answer that, he’s busy…]

PARTY PARTY PARTY

For business purposes, I’ll admit it’s something I have to do pretty much all the time. It’s sneaky and underhanded, yes, dealing with blackmail and shady transactions and a little bit of “I’ll give you this” and “you give me that,” “I’ll take care of this person if you get them out of the picture,” “get some nuclear reactors in your hands for a small service fee”; you get the idea. Like I said, in my line of work, it’s something that you’re just expected to do. Man, woman, it doesn’t matter. We’re all pretty dark on the inside when we want something.

That said, I have the feeling your question was treading into some different territory than I just described, and my answer is a simple “no.” I don’t have to, and I don’t want to. I understand some of those dark wants and needs people get involved that kind of thing, but forcing people into having sex with me is hardly my idea of a good time. If some person doesn’t want to sleep with you, there are countless other people who would jump at the idea. You just have to know where to look; having some money doesn’t hurt, either.

But that’s you. Me, I have too much work to do as it is, and there are better ways to get ahead in life anyway.

Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Of course I’m going to want to protect my beloved business investments, incredibly stupid, thick, or useless as they may be time to time. So, yes, I have had to save their lives a few times, even without their knowing. Oh, no, no need to thank your savior, boys. No need, I deserve no praise for being so great.

Now, the story that came to mind, reading that question there, happened a few months ago. After a rather, hm, fantastic night of partying and general carrying on in my usual Fuck Yeah I’m Yahtzee manner, I found myself a little more of an amnesiac than usual.

I woke up on the beach with two idiots poking at my head and possibly a hermit crab camping out in my ear. I could only pick out so much of what they said because of it. Well, that and a massive hangover.

“…Paul, is Yahtzee dead?”

“No, he moved. Just now. Too bad.”

“I don’t think he’s breathing…”

“He’s just hungover. Leave him alone. He’ll be back to his cheery, megalomaniacal self any minute, now.”

“Paul, there’s sure a lot of blood on the sand, here.”

I tried to inform them that, wow, I really don’t know where all those cuts and stab wounds came from; when did those get there? But it only came out as eegghhh.

“Go get some bandages! I’ll perform CPR.”

“Yeah, you do that. Maybe he’ll bleed out faster.”

“CPR works for stab wounds? I didn’t know that.”

CPR doesn’t fucking work for stab wounds.

Near death experiences, huh? Too many to even goddamn count. Like last night, for example. But maybe I shouldn’t talk about that right now; I’ll wait ‘til she goes home. I guess there’s the end of November, too, when I swam a good couple hundred miles with a stab wound or two I managed to duct tape shut. That probably counts, since it would have killed just about anyone else.

It probably counts…

Fine, fine. I’ll answer your damn questions, already.

…god, my side hurts.

I don’t want to defend him, but I’ll admit he knows his stuff. And he tends to make up for the times he’s a total douchebag pretty well. By not being a douchebag. Actually…

I-uh, I mean, I have enough material to do more than blackmail him. The more I hold out, the easier it gets.

I’d humor you because you have such nice manners, but I don’t think I really have some big reason as to why. So, how about: I like it, it looks fucking cool and it gives my hands something to do when I’m not working or being fucking cool in some other way.

Yeah, that’s a good enough reason.

I guess you’re right. It seems kind of funny to get so scared of it, in retrospect.

Or maybe the fact so much other shit doesn’t scare me anymore means I’m a worse person than I previously thought.

…heh.

I don’t really think I am…  I’m not really cute at all.

…this isn’t some kind of prank to get those guys laughing at me again, is it?

But first, I’ll have to thank you! I think your concern warrants an explanation as to why I’m going to refuse to move from this bed for awhile.

Late November, I got into contact with an associate of mine. She’s a weapons engineer (like myself, only she’s a little more well-known, name-wise) and we got to talking about some plans. Said plans came to a head, or were supposed to, at some event she invited me to. I went and decided not to tell the idiots where I was going because, well, maybe if I was lucky they wouldn’t notice I was gone. Wouldn’t put it past them if they didn’t.

The event was actually along the coast of California somewhere, and for the most part the crowd was pretty good, if a bit stuffy. Once they got out the alcohol everyone kind of let loose a little more and started talking business and, er, business of a different sort.

Let’s just say some things happened, some people got shitface drunk, some people kind of made out with some other people, some other people caught those people and, well, you can imagine a whole party of unsavory people in the illegal weapons business would have some interesting weapons of their own on them.

Long story short, I ended up getting this wound in my side (I have the feeling it was some kind of prototype sword launcher? I don’t even fucking know) and having to swim back here. Needless to say, I’m pretty tired and, oh, you don’t believe me, do you?

Your loss.

You know, the one about partying, glitter, getting drunk and getting shot at by the end of the night and swimming halfway across the Pacific to get back home to your desert island?

That’s pretty much how it was. New Years I was pretty waterlogged.

He actually has the kawaii-est, most uguu anime-desu eyes you’ve ever seen and he wears the sunglasses because unleashing them upon the world would be almost too cruel.

…or he just has some light sensitivity issues. Kid’s always working in the dark. One or the other.

I dunno. Can I tell them about the cosplay wigs, Paul?

In all honesty, sometimes, actually, I do. It’s nothing serious, you know. I mean, I’m just one of those lanky sorts anyway; I don’t gain muscle very easily and while I’m fairly tall I’m, well, I’m not very imposing, physically. I have to make up for it with a lot of charisma which is easy enough in itself, but the fact still stands. It reminds me I’m not entirely stable sometimes, in more ways than one.

Fun fact, I actually rather envy that idiot, in that respect. He probably weighs more than I do and it’s not because he’s a fatass. Mostly, anyway.

…but you didn’t hear that from me.

In my line of work, you see a lot of shit. A lot of shit. Stuff I really can’t go into, for both of our sakes. Let’s just say it usually ends up with people getting horribly injured in very creative ways and/or even more creative uses for common household objects. While I won’t admit to any particular phobias or certain fears (believe me, I do have them, like any other person)… I don’t really want to sound like a dick in saying this, but I don’t really get legitimately scared over most things. If I ever do, in the presence of others, I’m fairly good at hiding it. No, the worst of it tends to happen when I’m alone.

The scariest thing I’ve come across, you ask… I hope this isn’t too sissy for you, but…

Read More →

All I recall is a criminal amount of hard liquor, video games, a lolita dress and I think Rob ended up crying in a corner.

Good times.

Maybe… sometimes… once or twice…!

Okay, truth be told, I probably do it about forty percent more than is allowed by OSHA. I’m not a very good employer, you see… but that’s not to say I do it to sexually harass my employees! Heavens no! I do it simply to harass them!

With Paul it’s usually a matter of just trying to get a rise out of him. You know. Because he’s probably as educated on matters of romance or courtship as a piece of cardboard. But even that cardboard’s got a better chance of getting a girlfriend. Or boyfriend. Either way it’d be pretty tough for him, you know.

And Rob, well… uh…

Attempt one:

“Hey, baby, if I owned the alphabet I’d put U and I together.”
“Why would you do that? So they could plan a party for the other letters?”

Attempt two:

“Is that a mirror in your pocket, ‘cause I can see myself in your pants.”
“No, it’s just my wallet…”

Attempt three:

“You know, I think we should get together sometime.”
“Sometime? You’re talking to me right now.”

Attempt Idon’tevenfuckingknow:

“You know, Blanc, I think we should have sexual intercourse of the homosexual variety.”
“Is that some kind of cake?”

As it stands, those two idiots are my only two official employees. Paul’s contracted as my engineer, and Rob… well, his official title is “chef” but while he can cook alright I wouldn’t really put it past him to mistakenly eat a bottle of glue.

That’s all on the record, though; my record’s pretty sketchy as it is, but there are a number of other faces and places I work with. I can’t go blathering about them all damn day, though. Otherwise, I might get shot. Again. And have to swim halfway across the Pacific.

Again.

Dear Tumblr Staff,

I’m an associate of the author of one of your blogs, askyahtzee.tumblr.com. Said author hasn’t posted in over a month due to his mysterious disappearance. Yahtzee himself has fallen into some trouble with some underhanded weapons dealers, and as far as I know that has been the reason for his absence. I don’t suspect he’ll be coming ba

Scratch that, I have the feeling he’s right behind me.

“With him, it doesn’t make much difference what our position is… It really depends on what he wants from me. I try to be really flexible because he’s kind of demanding of Paul and I. Well, more Paul than me. They go at it really hard, sometimes even all night. He’s only kept me up all night once — wait, twice, now, but I don’t think I should talk about that… I can only do so much, but I really try to do my best to please him, too, y’know? It’s the least I can do for the guy; I do work for him. You’re talking about work, right? I’m just the cook and, hey, Yahtz, are you okay? What’s so funny…?”

There will never be a truer pairing.

“…wait, are we glowing?”

“Just ignore him, Rob…”

Ha ha.

Hahahahaahaaha.

Ha.

No.

As far as I know, yeah. Can hardly see a damn thing without them. Not sure if I stole them from some hobo or anything out of necessity, though; I’ve had this pair of glasses as far back as I can remember. Granted, that isn’t very far.

…god, they’re really scratched up.

Gee, I wonder if Paul really did delete those pictures.

…

…

…

Golly, I might just have to kill him if he didn’t.

You know the type, right? That kind of person.

The one that you’re not sure if they’re really just that stupid or, in fact, they have some grand scheme they’ve put in place to weasel their way past your many, carefully-calculated defenses.

Although the fact they’ve managed to make it this far…

…they must really just be that stupid…

letsbeareblogger:

askyahtzee:

If you’re the one offering, I’ll give you something good.

Incredibly good.

is it a blow job

Maybe.

Have one of those toffee-flavored ones on you?

I listen to a lot of stuff, actually, especially when I’m working. To say I have a definite favorite wouldn’t necessarily be fair. Depending on the day, hell, maybe the hour or two, there’s classical, jazz, 8-bit video game stuff in the playlist. I just kind of pick something to serve as background noise for the grind, usually at random, but there are times I’ll get up suddenly and change it again.

If it’s any answer, though, I’ll listen to pretty much anything. I’ve been on a ska kick lately…

I don’t really think it’d be a good idea. After all, you do know what I do for a living, right?

Now, I’ve made my share of varied things. And when we say varied, here, I do mean varied. I’ve built whole security systems, computers, weapons and shit all from scratch, and I design the like on a near daily basis. So, it’s hard to really say there’s a best, exactly, although in my personal endeavors, hmm… I guess you could say this one rifle I’ve been tinkering with off and on, simply because it has a long range and pretty fast firing rate, but maybe that’s getting a bit too sentimental.

With Paul? We work on a lot of engineering things, but it’s still hard to narrow things down. Hm, well… for our latest project we tried to open a portal to another world. Why’d we do it? Why the fuck not? Either way, it turned out interesting.

Now let’s never, ever speak of it again.

If you’re the one offering, I’ll give you something good.

Incredibly good.

Sure thing. Care to join us?

Welcome to the Internet, kid. We’re all tools, here.